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Nikon Raccoon
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[personal profile] nikon
I don't post here that often because I'm either causing drama, or I feel no one will care. But that happened yesterday was big enough that I have to write it down.

I've been feeling down for months, years now. Yesterday I was attempting to fix my car's headlight with Kammy, and snapped at them when they touched the bulb with their bare paw. I hurt them enough that Kammy got moody and went to their room. It hit a trigger in me, if I hurt someone, it hurts me as well, but amplified. So I fell into bed crying. I missed the weekly gaming group, and in the haze of pain, I told everyone that I couldn't do the gaming group anymore. I went back to my room and the dark thoughts simmered.

Most of the time I feel that I'm just a useless outsider that should be erased from existance, and the feelings came to a head. I wrapped a belt around my neck and pulled tight so I could not breath. After a minute I got scared and released the belt.

I went out and asked to be taken someplace safe. As there is no way I can afford a night in a mental health hospital, my gaming group drove me around the valley while I got hugged by a sheppy and an ant. They made sure I wasn't left alone last night, till I had to come to work.

I'm still not feeling the best, I have a headache and a pain in my chest that painkillers won't take away. I can't say I'm fully out of danger. I've been suicidal since I was 13. Mostly because I don't fit in or belong anywhere, and because I seem to bring only pain to those around me.

I don't know what else to say.
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