nikon: (Default)
Nikon Raccoon
nikon: (Help?)
[personal profile] nikon
I don't post here that often because I'm either causing drama, or I feel no one will care. But that happened yesterday was big enough that I have to write it down.

I've been feeling down for months, years now. Yesterday I was attempting to fix my car's headlight with Kammy, and snapped at them when they touched the bulb with their bare paw. I hurt them enough that Kammy got moody and went to their room. It hit a trigger in me, if I hurt someone, it hurts me as well, but amplified. So I fell into bed crying. I missed the weekly gaming group, and in the haze of pain, I told everyone that I couldn't do the gaming group anymore. I went back to my room and the dark thoughts simmered.

Most of the time I feel that I'm just a useless outsider that should be erased from existance, and the feelings came to a head. I wrapped a belt around my neck and pulled tight so I could not breath. After a minute I got scared and released the belt.

I went out and asked to be taken someplace safe. As there is no way I can afford a night in a mental health hospital, my gaming group drove me around the valley while I got hugged by a sheppy and an ant. They made sure I wasn't left alone last night, till I had to come to work.

I'm still not feeling the best, I have a headache and a pain in my chest that painkillers won't take away. I can't say I'm fully out of danger. I've been suicidal since I was 13. Mostly because I don't fit in or belong anywhere, and because I seem to bring only pain to those around me.

I don't know what else to say.

Date: 2013-10-14 03:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Is their anyone you can talk too about it?

I know in Australia their are a number of phone services that are charged at the cost of a local call.

Date: 2013-10-14 09:33 am (UTC)
schnee: (Default)
From: [personal profile] schnee
Oh, goodness, hon. Don't ever think nobody will care, because that really isn't true. *hugs, warmly* I sure do, for one.

I'm really not sure what to say, to be honest, but I really hope you'll live; not for my sake, but for yours. You're a great person, and although we're not very close anymore, I have many good memories of you, time spent on RCM and all that.

Building on what the previous commenter said, there are indeed hotlines and the like that you can turn to. There is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK, as well as the the Kristin Brooks Hope Center and its Hopeline, 1-800-SUICIDE.

The American Psychological Association has a help center page; I'm not sure how much practical help it offers to someone in your situation, but at the very least they have a page on suicidal thoughts. There's also the Samaritans, and the National Council for Suicide Prevention has a resource page that may be of help.

There may also well be community services that can help you free of charge, but I don't know where you live, so I can't recommend any.

It's good that you've got your gaming group's support, though. Stick with these people, and rely on them when you need to. They're your friends, and they will support and assist you when you need it.

Stay safe, hon. *hugs again* I hope everything will improve for you in the future.

Date: 2013-10-14 04:22 pm (UTC)
ext_576529: (Default)
From: [identity profile]
Please don't hurt yourself. It would only hurt the people around you even more, and leave them asking endless questions about why would you do it and could they have done anything to help or if it was their fault.

Please look into suicide counseling, and crisis hotlines.

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